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Direct from Heart

Direct from Heart
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Monday, 30 March 2015

Trapped by the body, released by the death

Why humans have emotions? Why do they have those pensive phases which they can't control? What are those things that don't let humans achieve their fullest potentials?

Mind is like a sedative drug. It lets you slip in that perennial dependency of a reference point that decides how to react on the outcomes. Never do you suspect the reference point which caused, say glaucoma, to you; rather we end up cursing the outcome (glaucoma) and forget the real culprit. This is a vicious cycle, more so, because of the complexity of nexus between mind and the body. I am not disregarding the fact that such complexities exist elsewhere than humans; however, in humans, it has reached to a level that is far beyond comprehension for an ordinary person.

Not a student of human psychology, but indeed as an observer, I see that most of us are trapped in that body which is driven by emotions and controlled by the limitations that our mind has perceived for ourselves. Fear is one such emotion that has been either culpable of throwing you out of orbit of greatness or instigated to do harm to others - knowingly or unknowingly.

There is no scale to measure the amount of emotions in exactness, let alone regulate the emotions. Theory of relativity, is something which, is very prevalent in this world of emotions; for some, an outburst is just an expression of inner-self and for another it could be reason enough to close all the ties. Hence, another danger - impacts are usually different and hence the perpetrator would take effort & time in coming terms to what went wrong for the other person. Now, again due to relativity, such effort and time taken vary and hence all the chaos in the world.

So, do emotions have nothing in favour of their reason to exist? Let's see. Can you imagine a world of Terminator like robots? I think emotions are the cranky vestige of the last good thing that embodied mankind, a passage from gods to remind humans of their limits, a medium to serve oneself with hell or heaven while breathing on earth. The last breathe, though, takes all of it with itself to the "blackhole" where emotions meet their grave - only life has the strength enough to effect a reverse pull.

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Destiny's Child

There is a mental gig that goes like this - how much is sufficient? How much of food is enough? How much of love is enough? How much of laundry on body is enough? How much of, off course, money is enough? How much of madness is enough (is enough)? How much of sacrifice is still not enough? How much of education is usually enough to link you with sanity? I believe the answer to this question is NE (never enough).

We keep ourselves so focussed on questions of sufficiency that we always lurk for their answers even though we know it doesn't really matter most of the time. Do you think stray dogs eat to fullness everyday? Still, they perform their acts to the fullest when they have to. Similarly a daily wage worker - can you ensure that every hard labouring fibre in his body consumes enough amount of protein? Even if you can't, he still works like lovers in labour with his ploughs on the field. Can you produce enough intel to, 1st gauge and then, create enough love for your soulmate? It is impertinent as well as NE. Education can, maybe, give you jobs, but can't ensure sanity all the time, or can it?

I remember an interesting anecdote here. A few years back, I was training for riding horses and I wasn't able to get better of my fear while riding them, though every class would seem to pile up my confidence level. One day, they changed the horse and that same day I fell for the first time from a horse' back. I realized that it doesn't take number of hunky-dory classes but just one fall to overcome fear of riding these beautiful beasts. Many good riders can claim never having taken the fall; practically, that doesn't mean that no. of classes are tantamount to being a good rider. At the end of day, there is no set rule to decide the fate all the times. You may end up being on a completely different planet (courtesy, Interstellar), even though you have charted out an algorithm for finding the route back to home. You are taken to where you are supposed to.

Similarly, love doesn't have a single route to salvage the fire burning in both (or one's) heart(s). There is no definitive way to a happy love life. And, neither your instincts can decide. All I am saying is there is certainly a strong and untamed factor that decides the outcomes in our lives, and we call it as "destiny".

Friday, 27 March 2015

Scarred for life

Some deep wounds of past die hard and leave a lasting scar behind. Scarface! That movie had lead character, played by my favourite Al Pacino, doomed from very beginning when he had to leave Cuba and come to States as a refugee. The home country was not liveable anymore and hence hapless people left it in search of a safer place. No one saw it coming that it is not going to be easier in the new place as well, at least for the lead character’s family and leading to a sad end.

Stating the above as my opening lines shouldn't be construed as a negative for people moving to newer place for a better life. It is the native place that I have mixed reactions towards. Did it fail to deliver or its ex-dweller didn't try enough to make that place liveable? It is like an egg and chicken situation. There is something, even more, vital involved here - the aftermath. A migrant always, either forced or by oneself, accepts the vagaries of a new place. This becomes a routine and mostly passed to the next generation. When a first generation person conducts oneself in a new place, the adjustments are too much to follow. Like the first time a person makes way through a crowded lane, knowing that he never till this time did it in his life and assuming he is already in his late 20s or early 30s. Also, the intimidation of being alone and unknown amongst a crowd gives a chilling to his spine, similar to a dying roadside dog, attended by no one.

Why people leave each other? Why people leave some place and advent to another, and not trying enough in their original place? What attracts people in each other in 1st encounter to be completely quelled down in subsequent ones? Why no amount of love is sufficient to hold back the ones you want to? When migration is justified with rendering equilibrium in population of a place, I do understand; just can't assimilate when it is to justify the insufficiency of opportunities. If you don't have enough population at a place, the opportunities will lead to their gradual extermination as well. That apparent dearth of true love at a place and the illusive greatness at another - now, this looks like a strong reason behind any immigration that has happened since the inception of mankind.

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Recovering from a trauma

My heart was again exploding. In the middle of night, I felt like my heart sinking in the unknowns. Any amount of thinking was leading me to a doomed state of mind. My thoughts taking me back to the nice times before it was called off. Sincerely, I had inkling before it happened, but never thought it will affect me like this. From my earlier experiences, I tried to mellow down to usurp the negativity from other side; I was least aware that dealing with a cold heart is like meeting your extreme nightmare in person. Due to constant onslaught from other areas in life, my tears have long been dried - so, weeping wasn't an option to plummet my utter sadness. Mind, by now, had become a servant to feelings and was playing through all sort of suicidal tendencies. May be unavailability of resources and my vertigo didn't let my mind completely surrender to my feelings.

Surrounded by this mental abduction, I could hardly sleep that night. Next day, I was still under the shroud of this unending trauma and I could hardly connect with the world around. So deeply engrossed I was to my mental illness that I slept for the longest duration in a day without any physical illness. Thanks to my local guardians, I could eat in-between, which I did with my brain failing to recognize the taste of the food. Some pep talk from a good friend also sprinkled momentary booster to my spirit. The feeling was still not dying away and I still felt like “God, why me?”. To take control of the situation, the following day, I went to a local bar and sloshed myself with intoxicated drinks. This was followed by some more drinks at a friend’s place. I just wished that intoxication to flush out my grey feelings once and for all. Sure – I felt lighter, and in 3 days had the best sleep. Mind is stronger than any external factor, when it wants to, and unfortunately so when it shouldn't; it brought back those suspended feelings back into the driver seat. This time, though, I gave a friendly cry to the mind and tried getting the better of my psyche. I had to; otherwise, I would have gone into an addiction mode for intoxication, which my logical mind never found suitable.

I messaged this person, with a last attempt to explain this sudden and insincere conduct, and as expected, received an abusing response. Boom! My sadness and my soft core converted into deep angst and a rough textured core, heated by this cold, cruel and unfair conduct. Must be in my guts that, whenever I see fairness in deficit and presented in an ugly manner, I always go against it, no matter who and what. This trick had my wits swung back into action and flung a message back to show my anger and humility at the same time. I tried to bury my utter sadness with that one stroke; however, anger is no one's friend, not even Lord Shiva's.

Though I was angry, but my mind reeled back in those lovely moments of retrospection, again and again. The feeling of losing a loved one was swirling over my mind. Upon this, I consulted one of my teachers, after a week of retrospection and introspection. Meditation and deep inhale/exhale. Yoga is alive for "yugas" (ages) for no small reason. It is for reader to make out the meaning from it.

I don’t know if you would worth about sharing this incident with you all – I just wanted you to understand the effort it takes to come out of the reeling and killing effects of a broken road, that was illusive and misleading from the beginning - like a mirage. I also take a vow to keep my story-like paragraph writing alive by sharing my experiences from everyday’s life on a regular frequency.  Nice!